Infinity War: Murder by Numbers
by Hawki
Summary: Oneshot: When you wipe out half of all life in the universe, the half that remains tends to get a mite pissed off.


**Murder by Numbers**

In a star system on the other side of the universe, 13 billion light years from an insignificant planet called Earth (which always seemed to be not insignificant given how many dramas it went through, but who's counting?), there lived a race called the…oh, let's just call them the priori. Why? Because their full name would be unpronounceable by your human tongues, and…what? You can read? Fine. Their name was the thalaxaxiankamatuperatons. However, I don't feel like writing "thalaxaxiankamatuperatons" over and over, so I'm calling them the priori. Why? I dunno. Sounds better. Easier to write as well.

The priori lived on the fourth planet of their star system, because of course they did. Aliens never lived on the third planet of their star system, because that would be too similar to Earth. So, no. 4 it is. Yeah, we could make it no. 2, but 4 is better because it's bigger. And bigger is better. And it's easier to equate life living on a planet akin to Mars (no. 4) rather than Venus (no. 2), because of somewhat obvious reasons if you paid attention in astronomy classes. Not that the priori knew this (or knew why no-one cares about Mercury), even if they were the oldest and wisest race in the universe…maybe. Possibly. Yeah, they were 13 billion light years away from a planet that had only existed for 4.6 billion years, and had given rise to intelligent life only 1 million years ago, but just because you're on the other side of the universe, it doesn't mean you're better than everyone else. There's no right or wrong side of the tracks. Well, there was the time the datacassalans tried building a giant railroad through the galaxies of M33 and M34, but let's not get into that. Besides, M35 is where it's at, if you know what I mean. I mean, have you tried the food?

Anyway, the priori were wise, because they wore robes, and had pointy ears, because as everyone knows in the universe, any race with pointy ears is going to be more intelligent than a race without pointy ears. Because the universe was made on a budget, and all sapient life more or less gravitates towards the human form – yeah, maybe you get some shades of blue, green, purple, or red, but, yeah – two eyes, two legs, two arms, one mouth, etc. But pointy ears? That's a sign of intelligence. And let's be fair, the priori were intelligent, having long reached equilibrium with their environment. Their world had a population of exactly 1,000,000,001 souls – no, I'm not saying "1 billion," I'm being accurate. One should understand that overpopulation isn't so much about the raw number of beings in a closed ecosystem, but rather the carrying capacity of the land, so if the priori made fewer demands of their environment, their numbers could be larger, and not exceed the carrying capacity of their world. A world they lived in harmony with. And then, something bad happened. Like, really bad. Really, really, really bad.

You see, on the other side of the universe, there was a psychopath named Thanos, who thought that because his world had collapsed because of overpopulation, every world in the universe would inevitably go down the same path, and every species at the universe was at the same number of individuals, and same level of technology, and lived on planets that were at the same carrying capacity as his own. Anyone could have told this asshole that the universe was, like, really, really big, and he could have no way of knowing what billions of species did across trillions of stars, but this was a guy with an oversized glove and green glowing stones that did space magic. So, he did something on the other side of the universe, and the priori began to disappear. 500 million of them…and a half.

It's not pleasant, seeing your loved ones crumble into dust, and have no idea why. It's not pleasant, seeing starships fall from the sky, killing even more people. It's not fun, losing half your best and brightest, which is going to send your civilization back even further. So as the priori screamed and wailed, they nonetheless decided to find out what had happened. So thus, gathered the council…because all advanced alien races are ruled by a council rather than a president, prime minister, or anything like that. "Council" makes you seem enlightened. Also the ears. Don't forget the ears. Or the mouths, which said, "We've used our telescopes to find out what happened."

"And? What happened?" asked the people, who were still feeling a mite pissed off about the whole genocide thing.

"On a planet 13 billion light years away, a giant purple guy decided to kill half the universe."

"Why? And how do you know this? If we looked 13 billion light years away, wouldn't we see things as they were 13 billion light years in the past?"

Normally they would, but the priori were wise enough to know that the laws of physics meant very little in a universe that had magic stones and magic gloves. So, after a detailed explanation that would cause your feeble human mind to melt (and bog this account down), they thus explained that magic stones had done magic things to kill them in magic ways…half of the population, to be precise.

"But wait?" asked the people. "We were doing just fine."

"We know."

"And what if we reach 1 billion again? Is he just going to clap his fingers a second time?"

"Maybe."

"And what of smaller races with even smaller populations? If they get culled a second time, couldn't they go extinct due to such a shallow gene pool being left to them?"

"Quite likely."

"And does this guy have the ability to know what every race is doing at every corner of the universe at every moment in time?"

"Don't think so."

"Wow," said the assembled priori. "This guy really is an idiot isn't he?"

The council nodded, though pointed out that idiocy, evil, and psychopathy tended to go hand in hand. Besides, good villains were rare in this universe. Most of them wanted to a) conquer the world, b) destroy the world, or c) both. Getting a villain with motivations beyond that was quite rare.

"So what do we do?" asked the people. "And what about Steve?"

In case you're wondering, no, Steve was not his name, but the universe must never forget Steve. Because Steve was rolled out before the council, to the gasps of everyone present. Steve, of whom only the upper part was present. No feet, no legs, no…y'know…below the waistline…yes, aliens reproduce the same as humans, you dirty dirty man (or woman).

"Look at Steve," they said. "He lost his lower half."

"But why?" asked the council.

"Well, there was 1 billion and 1 of us, and we lost 500 million and a half."

"But why?"

"Because that twat didn't round up," said Steve. He sighed, looking at his missing lower half. "Still, got the right one. Even if I can't reproduce now." He made a gesture to the ceiling that I dare not describe. And said something I dare not write either…I want this account to be K-plus after all.

"So what now?" Steve asked. Steve, the poster child of the injustice the priori had suffered. The injustice that billions of species across trillions of stars had suffered because a giant purple guy didn't understand how big the universe actually was.

"Nothing," said the council.

"Nothing?"

"No, nothing. Because it's going to be undone anyway."

"What?" cried the people. "How?"

"Simple – because there's a sequel to these events, and sequels beyond that sequel. Some of the people who perished are in those sequels, so they have to be brought back. Besides, no-one ever really dies."

The 500 million or so priori who actually had died might claim otherwise, but then again, the council not only had pointy ears, but was wearing robes. _Robes_. They had to be right.

"So, what do we do now?" the people asked. "Even if what you said is true, what role do we have to play in all this?"

"Nothing," said the council. "Nothing at all. Just repair the collateral damage to our world, including nuclear reactors that are undermanned, lest our entire planet be doomed because of a giant purple guy. Because if those reactors go, like they might on even a less technologically advanced planet, we're boned."

The priori agreed, set to work, and thought about what had happened.

Which was perhaps more thought that the giant purple guy had put into all this.


End file.
